Chapter Next

Walking in the snow is treacherous and annoying. Maybe the treachery stems from the birth of this annoyance in wading through the thick powdery ice, but I am not able to make the discernible difference because whatever I'm doing at this moments, it sucks. The oddity of the crash comes like a betrayal of a lover, the absence of hope for the first time in many years settling on a series of bubble wrapped questions which were always there, but packed away enough so that any bouncing doubt was reflected, and the questioning suspicions were left untouched, snug, and quiet... until you get slapped in the head by a cow.

Or at least we think it's a cow. The wreckage behind us was crackling obnoxiously like a spoiled infant, bright orange with its furious violence but now seems like a simmering beast still asleep from these few hundred yards away.  Jeb seems like he knew where he is going. I do not. My instructions stopped at the train. The train, it seems, stopped (or didn't quite stop) on... what I'm still guessing is a cow.

I hear the intense collision of metal and fire with brief flashbacks, still feeling the inertia of the train car turning. In wild hits I can still see the ground scraping across the window and my body falling towards it as Jeb's hand reaches around and grabs me like octopus would grab a leaf floating by. The toss, the movement, the jolt, the inability to know direction, up, down, falling, being thrown is all being hurled at your brain to process - all the while the idea of survival, landing, steadying yourself, steadying those around you, and trying to figure out what exactly to steady yourself to... and from what, dominates your eyesight.  Now, walking in the cold snow... the frigid night adventure being shaped by the howling wind carving blue curves into the terrain, I sense my brain has caught up with the body.  It would seem that "bullet time" only means your see and think at super speed, it doesn't mean your body can react or recover during the same time allotment. And mine is protesting with a grand voice.

Jeb not only seems to regained his agility, he also seems to have infused himself with determination which I have never seen before. We are walking into the 'north of Canada' tundra, the nowhere, the cold nothingness... the very terrain that create legends, folklore, and monster stories.

The wreckage is silent now... a faint glow in the distance. No sound. The light from it's death is now but a blink and the night and its reality takes over.  Jeb drops to his knees.  The ice beneath his legs begin to melt... and with it, the gravity that we had avoided in walking on iced are now grasps us.  And it pulls us.  We drop.

We fall a short while, my eyes closed the entire time.   I open them.  We are ... light.

*****

BETRAYED? comes bellowing out of somewhere... I'm not sure where, it's just in my head and it fucking echos like it's a blowhorn on crack and is powerful enough to burst my eardrum from withing. My chest seems weak with the pressure.

I was standing on a glassy floor with a sea of... water? under it's structure reflecting the light from above which is... stars? and lighting the... court? or palace from which I now stood, alone among gold columns, black space, universal celestial everything, and a throne.  A light of great strength stood beside Jeb, both are wrapped in white garments, although Jeb covered in a white bedsheet looks pretty comical, but I fear this may not be one of those times to start lightening the situation with jokes. This is, however, one of those times to be indignant.

"Yes, 'betrayed.' I feel that as my information was limited and I was put in danger without my knowledge." I take a few steps forward and stand with my right foot out because according to 6th grade Drama, this will give my presentation and the scene an increased sense of purpose. I'm sure knowing what the purpose was would help as well, but I didn't have that information.  I'm just working with what I have.

YOU WERE NOT IN ANY DANGER. I WAS MAKING SURE OF THAT.  Dammit if that fucking voice didn't make my balls itch. Who is that and what the hell does this have to do with Jeb?

I CONTROL EVERYTHING. YOU LACK FAITH IN WHAT YOU DO NOT KNOW. YOU FEAR THAT WHICH CAN HARM YOU. YOUR CAUTIOUSNESS IS A GREAT STRENGTH, BUT IT PREVENTS YOU FROM MOVING FORWARD. YOU EXPECT TOO MUCH, AND WHAT YOU ARE GIVEN RECEIVES LITTLE APPRECIATION. 


God is a douche.  "Yes, well... that is called 'being human.' We live, we learn from our mistakes, we learn from examples, and we walk forward adjusting ourselves according to what we know because SOMEONE won't give us any new information... we have to create it on our own both as individuals and as a society.  So yes, if I finally feel like I'm receiving a... job... a mission of some sort to bring my best friend here, I expect some support.  When the train we board hits a cow..."

IT HIT A MOOSE.


"... a moose and derails, I now have the pressure of getting Jeb here, plus the insane amount of questions yet unanswered, and now the flashback feeling of being tossed about in a train wreck.  I don't want to face death like that while trying to do something this important."

ONLY ABOUT ONE THOUSAND HUMANS DIE IN TRAIN WRECKS IN ANY OF YOUR YEARS...


"THAT is NOT the point!  The point is that you are forgetting the emotional aspect of this. I can only handle so much."

I BELIEVE YOU ARE CAPABLE OF MUCH MORE...


"Yeah, great. I know you believe that, but you're not the one living it. I am. So I'm glad you THINK I can do more, but frankly, I don't WANT to do more. I have enough, thanks.  And with one of these 'issues', my best friend is involved. I don't care how much you think I can handle... but I think it's respectful to dedicate a fair, legitimate amount of focused emotion on someone who has been my brother for over a decade without also having to deal with a fucking train wreck."

I KNOW YOU ARE UPSET.  YOUR JOURNEY IS OVER NOW.


"An apology would be nice."

I DO NOT APOLOGIZE, NOR WILL YOU EVER ASK ME OF THAT AGAIN. 


"What, you can listen to Moses but you can't listen to me?"

LEAVE MOSES OUT OF THIS.  THAT WAS A DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCE.


"I don't see the difference."

YOU ARE A COCKY MOTHERFUCKER.  I DO NOT HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU AT ALL. HOWEVER, ON THE COUNT THAT I WAS NOT PAYING ATTENTION AND DID NOT SEE THE MOOSE, I WILL LET YOU STAND AS YOU ARE.

"What? Not paying attention? So how the fuck do you think I can handle more of anything in my life?  What? Was there some rapper that needed help with the chorus of his upcoming album?  An actress needing help to cry on cure maybe?"

IN TRUTH, I HELP NO ONE SO POINTLESS. I GET THANKED FOR HELPING, IN REALITY THEY SHOULD THANK ME FOR NOT PAYING CLOSER ATTENTION.


For the first time, I see god's image in me. I see my image in god. I see my mind, thinking, talking, feeling, breathing. So much cynicism and yet it wasn't bitterness that fuels me, it's the need to answer silly questions. God had made his point.

I HAD NO INTENTION OF A POCKET OF SINGLE CELL SEA MONKEYS GROW INTO SELF ABSORBED MACHINES WITH COGNITIVE THOUGHT, AND NOW WE HAVE THIS PLANET OF HUMANS THAT DEMAND EVERYTHING BE HANDED TO THEM SO EASILY. YOU NOW MAKE SUCH DEMANDS. STOP. YOUR UNSELFISH LOYALTY HAS PROVEN ITSELF BEYOND YOUR OWN KNOWLEDGE. IT BRINGS ME GREAT HONOR AND PLEASURE.  YOUR EFFORTS ARE APPRECIATED AND NOTED.


"Even if I don't technically believe in you?"

I WISH MORE PEOPLE DIDN'T BELIEVE IN ME. THOSE THAT DO TEND TO MAKE IMPOSSIBLE REQUESTS OF LITTLE LOGIC. IT IS RATHER ANNOYING.  THINGS WERE MUCH QUIETER WHEN HUMANS DIDN'T SPEAK AND JUST ROVED AROUND THE PLAINS OF WHAT YOU NOW CALL 'AFRICA' TRYING TO EAT, SHIT, AND FUCK. NOW, YOU HAVE HOPE, EXPECTATIONS, AND FEELINGS THAT IF PRICKED CAUSES A TEMPER TANTRUM THAT CREATE MORE CHAINS FOR YOU THAN ANYTHING I WOULD EVER DEMAND. 


"With little information, the human mind tries to fill in the blanks. The end result is not always pleasant. It is the beginning of most religions."

DREADFUL CONCEPT BASED OFF COINCIDENCE. I WILL ALLOW YOU TWO A CHANCE TO SAY YOUR 'FAREWELLS'.


Jeb looks at me with horror.  I am emotionless.  What? say our 'farewells'?  "I'm leaving Jeb here?"

YES. YOUR JOB IS NOW COMPLETE. YOU HAVE BROUGHT HIM TO MY SIDE. I NEED JEB HERE WITH ME.


"No! Why the hell would you need a 'sea monkey' by your side? You don't need shit from any of us!"

I'VE JUST ABOUT HAD IT, YOU LITTLE SHIT. I'M NOT THAT UNDERSTANDING OF HUMAN NATURE. THIS KIND OF THING NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. IT IS NICE TO HAVE REASSURANCE SOMETIMES. 


"I brought him here to be healed."

AND SO HE HAS BEEN.


With the words of the Almighty echoing across the glassy floor, the box in my back pack begins to float.  A blue light rises out of it and starts to pulse with a hum that is calming and nauseating in unison. At the same time, a red light began to steadily glow and grow out of Jeb's chest and pull itself from the core of the pale young man. The ball becomes fully formed outside the body before it jets off into a circle.  It hits me square in the back of the head and I fall onto the glassy floor... aching, annoyed at yet another level.  Pissed.  I did not see where the ball of light went. I am just very glad it was out of Jeb.  The floating box falls to the ground.  It is empty. The sea beneath the glassy floor gives up a planet. It is Earth.  I look back up.

"It's okay, James. I can do this."

"But Jeb, I was expecting to help you so we could... you know... live."

"I got that. But this seems interesting too.  I'm not going to fight it if this has to be done."

"No! I cannot... live without you in my world. Your humor and slanted perverseness... I'm not ready... for this to all go away."

Jeb looked scared for a moment.  "I know. I'm not either.  This is all very, hurtful and final."

"I hate finality."

"And I hate seeing you suffer."

"I am hardly suffering.  I would rather be in a world where you are traumatizing children than in a world where I'm comfortable but you do not exist."

I CAN ARRANGE FOR SUCH...


Jeb and I looked at god and together said, "Do you mind??"

JUST SAYING.

Jeb was in tears and he looked at me. "Stop being such a pain in the ass. This is a good thing. Go and live your life now.  It's okay."

Something about his permission made the entire scene SO much worse now. "I don't want to. I'm good at being a pain... and my life as it is needs you in it. I cannot breathe without knowing there is at least one person on the planet I never have to explain myself to... or argue with... or will back me up in a bar fight even when they know I'm wrong.  You are not just my brother, you are my oxygen."

"I know what you're feeling... I'm the other half here too, you know?  You have not only provided me with years of laughter, but understanding... comprehension, and balance.  James, without you my life goes so haphazard.  But if it's going to happen, I'd rather it happen here.  You have taken care of me and that eats me up that you're not able to go and be...YOU - the creative asshole that fucks with people's minds.  And that I'm going to miss the most.  I know this hurts, but I can do this... I know you can do it. So... let's do it."

"No.  I'm not ready for this..."

I cannot form full sentences. I'm shaking violently with "no" running through my head.  I feel a warm wind and when I look up and I am dressed in black, standing in the back yard of a house off West Gate Blvd. with 50 other people, mostly guys, standing in a half circle... almost all in tears.  A woman trying hard not to break down is holding up a piece of paper... MY piece of paper.  She is reading about "Scot Free" to the crowd.  Those are MY words about 'Scot Free'.  I cannot stop shaking.

I cannot stop shaking.

I had more to say to him.  I had so much more to say...

I cannot stop shaking.